I had another post 99.99% complete and ready to post this morning but then I sort of ran out of creative juices so I took a break, chillaxed a bit (pregnancy provides good excuse to just sit because sometimes you have to do that in order to make sure baby's still movin' around in there!), ate lunch while watching What Not to Wear (I love that they are still making new episodes--total guilty pleasure of mine).
All of that was followed by a great convo with the hubs that ended with me in tears--not at all his fault--just an overwhelming feeling of way too many different emotions going on in my heart and thoughts swirling around in my head regarding our current situation, my purpose or rather, my feeling of a lack of purpose at the moment coupled with pregnancy fears. Hormones, I'm sure, had nothing to do with it of course.
He--Luis--opened the dams 'cause he's good like that at getting to my heart and the waterworks turned on and just wouldn't stop. But sometimes, that's just what you need.
If you're a woman, you totally know what I mean.
Crying often brings clarity. At least for me it does. It's like I have this bottle in me that everything gets poured into--every hurt, every fear, every emotion, every concern--and when the bottle gets full, the only release is through tears and suddenly my mind is clear to think, process, reflect and most of all, hear the truth God has been trying to get my attention to.
The truth He hit me with today was in regards to prayer, more specifically, my prayer life.
Confession: my prayer life is weak at best, especially at the moment which is ironic because we are in a time of our lives where I should be desperately crying out to the Lord.
My prayer life is not regular, it is not fervent and I often find myself getting distracted halfway through. I will often start out praying, start thinking about something else for a bit and then remember "Oh yeah! I was praying."
It's sad really, that I don't have better discipline to tap into the amazing power of prayer. Especially since, in the times when my prayer life has been strong, I have witnessed amazing things that God has done through me simply coming before Him in prayer.
I have a feeling though that I'm not alone in this. I'm sure many of you can relate with me.
In the calm that came after my thunderstorm of tears I went for a swim and listened to a podcast from North Point Community Church. Wouldn't you know, their current series is on prayer.
And then I got to thinking, my daily devotions that I read on my phone have all been about prayer this week.
Okay God, I get it. I need to be praying.
Perhaps that is why we continue to sit in the darkness of our unknown future. What we thought would come along easily has been beyond difficult to attain. What we thought would come quickly has been agonizingly long.
But maybe God is allowing it all to force us to our knees.
I too easily forget that God is more concerned about our hearts than about things like our careers or where we are living or our need for health insurance or a desire to feel settled before baby arrives in October. These are all comforts--comforts that I have over time come to see as rights--that perhaps are taking away from our ability to be broken before Him in complete surrender, trusting with full faith in His plan for us.
God desires something greater for us than the security of a job. He desires us to rely completely, 100% on Him. Not just when He's providing all that we think He should, but also in times when He's providing exactly what we need, even when we don't realize we need it.
And so, my commitment this week is to spend a portion of my day, in solitude, completely surrendered in prayer. Like a new exercise program, it may not come easily right away, but with time and discipline, I am confident that my prayer life can grow into a rich and vibrant time of worship before the Lord.
Pray for me :)
"I pray because I can't help myself. I pray because I'm helpless. I pray because the need flows out of me all the time, waking and sleeping. It doesn't change God, it changes me." C.S. Lewis